I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
