I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
