his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
