I have demons in me.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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