This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
