i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize