Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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