Your tits are I can't wait for
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
