Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
