so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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