just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
