he wants to bone in the snuggie
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
