im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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