I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
