I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
