Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
