No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
