I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
