Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
