Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
