im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I deserve this hangover.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
