Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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