I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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