A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My boob is missing a layer of skin
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
