Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
