He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
