There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
