It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
