Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
