I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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