if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
