my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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