Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
