I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
