when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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