i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
