I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
