Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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