He asked me if I "almost moaned"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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