don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
