apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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