I'm really into asian looking animals
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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