where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Me. At least after what I've been through.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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