how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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