she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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