Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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