Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
