apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
