I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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