eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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