You were right. It hurts to walk today.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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