I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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