I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
