After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
