I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
