i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
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