so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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