Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I've blown a few things in my day
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
