So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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