My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
