I wish my penis had an off switch
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize