im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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