The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Let's get the cat blown out
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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