Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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