Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
