remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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