Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm having to shit out rocks
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