i just wanna soil my oats bro
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
