Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
